Why men feel EMPTY beyond sports & what to do about it.
have it all, but feel empty? THIS might be the reason.
Disclaimer: this post involves topics you may have NEVER heard of before. And if so, GOOD. - that means that if you read it til the end… you must be invested in growing & evolving as a man.
Let me set some context.
I talk to guys all the time who are 10 years into their corporate career… and having worked their tails off to climb the ladder, make a good living, and have built a beautiful family… but somehow, they’re wondering why they feel so EMPTY inside.
Sound familiar?
I thought so. That’s why in this post I’m going to teach you
1. WHY you feel empty.
2. HOW this feeling got there (from a performance psychology standpoint)
3. WHAT you can do NOW to breakthrough & create the fulfillment you desire.
Sound good? Let’s get started.
1. WHY do guys feel this way?
Short Answer: you’ve been “high performing” for the wrong reasons
If you’ve never stepped back from your career and asked yourself WHY you’re doing what you’re doing today… you’re sort of missing the whole point. You see, often, especially as former athletes, we get into the habit of seeking out a playbook for success. You want to know: How did XYZ do it? What’s the game plan for doing ABC? If they did it, maybe it’s right for me!
Sometimes these playbooks come from the right source. Sometimes they come from a tainted source. But no matter what… People’s opinions loom over you. Society’s standards & timelines dominate your thoughts.
Without even realizing it… many men adopt a “keeping up with the joneses” mentality. Trying to replicate, impress, and take care of all the things that “look good” on the outside. Things like the family, steady job, all the good stuff. But this is a classic sign that a man has not asked himself: “WHY am I doing this?” What will the money, job, title, car, family, etc. do for me? What will it make me feel? How will that change my internal sense of self?
See, when a man looks outside of himself for affirmation, praise, or sense of self… he will ALWAYS feel empty on the podium. Having lived the WHY of some other man’s life.
And at this point, you might be asking… “how did we get here?”
To understand this, we need to look at incentives. What made this athlete (i.e. you) motivated as a younger athlete? What were the reward mechanisms in play? What was missing, long before sports even came into the picture? Which brings us to my next point…
2. HOW this feeling got there.
Short Answer: a skewed sense of masculinity (yes, you read that right)
To understand this… we must remember that many athletes lived 10, 15+ years of their lives feeling VALUED for what they can “do.” Their whole life, they’ve been praised, acknowledged, and awarded for the things they could accomplish on the field. In other words… More Results = More Love.
Meanwhile… if you ask most athletes. Deep down, they actually just wanted to be loved for who they are. Known for who they are. And truly understood. This is why most athletes don’t want to talk about sports after they’ve retired. But it’s actually a LOT DEEPER than that… there’s a deeper cause here, wreaking havoc. And it’s something that most men miss.
You see, most often, I find that there exists what’s called a Father Wound (or sometimes a Mother Wound) with these men. This means that growing up… their father (figure) didn’t have the capacity to acknowledge & love them in the ways they desperately desired. They would get a glimmer of love & pride once in a while… and it was intoxicating. A quick “nice job!” - followed by a slough of critique and “tough love.” But that small little sliver of pride was JUST ENOUGH to keep the boy coming back for more. To try and earn their Dad’s respect & love (or their coach, father figure, etc.)
Hopefully, though… Somewhere along the way… an athlete ran into a special man. A man who shook up their world in a way they never knew they needed. You guessed it. Their favorite Coach.
This man was the Coach who had the patience to get to know them**, the REAL them.** What motivates them. What keeps them up at night. What drives their actions & reactions. Here, a great coach can become the most valuable man in that boy’s life. A model of masculine connection. And a healing moment for that young man’s Father Wound.
This coach is able to acknowledge BOTH their “hard work” AND their “true self”… And in that moment, they realize that BEING A MAN can actually be ‘balanced.’ They think, “the world doesn’t just want my willpower… the world also wants my heart. And I see now…. that it’s possible to be both. And to have both.“
So I ask you to reflect on… Did you have a coach like this? Who was THAT coach, or man, for you? And what impact did that man have on you, and your definition of masculinity?
While you’re writing that down… let’s talk about what you can do about all of this moving forward, so you can have the kind of fulfillment you’ve been missing for quite some time now. Fill that void of emptiness… with things that YOU have the power over.
3. WHAT you can do about it.
Short Answer: it’s time to surround yourself with men who you genuinely look up to
I had a breakthrough in 2018 when I decided to go to my first men’s retreat in Joshua Tree. It was led by a man who’s now a mentor of mine - Dan Doty.
Why was it a breakthrough? Well… I honestly had been living a life of isolation the last several years since I had retired football. Got into yoga, meditation, moved to a new city, and was spending all my weekends working on my business plans. Researching, self-studying, and jamming out. Alone.
I had gotten pretty used to doing things on my own. I mean, a big part of me thought I would be better off on my own. That I needed to cut out distractions. And cut out negative energy, etc. But what I was really doing was cutting out everyone. Building a wall around myself, my ideas, and my heart.
And so walking into this retreat… it had been about 6 years since I had been around THIS MANY MEN in one place. 54 men, to be exact. Almost enough for an NFL roster. It was like, for the first time in a long time… I was back in my element.
BUT, somehow I felt like a fish out of water, at the same time. That weekend, I was challenged, supported, encouraged, and loved in ways that I had never been in my whole life. Those 54 men were just like me. Men who were craving strong, loving, balanced masculinity - but men who had spent years thinking it wasn’t possible. Wondering… “is anyone out there wanting what I want?” “does anyone else believe in the support of a brotherhood?”
That weekend, we all found it. (more on that in another post)
The cool thing was… after the retreat, I helped start a men’s group that met on a weekly basis for about 8 months. After that, I started my coaching & facilitation practice… and eventually built out my entire business based on the power that can erupt within a tight-knit & strong men’s community. It turned out… it wasn’t just something I needed. It was something most men - especially former players… desperately needed. To be their best, in all arenas of life.
And I’m not just talking about any men. These are men I respect. Men who have the patience to listen. Men who have the strength to challenge me. And the capacity to hold me. As a former D1 defensive end… I was used to being too big to carry. And hardly ever feeling challenged by the average man. But this group was different.
And I learned, through time and practice… that I could actually find strength in vulnerability. I could lean on other men for support. And they would catch me, willingly. I learned that my weaknesses wouldn’t be used against me by these men.
And that I could rebuild my sense of masculinity… from a clean slate.
Soon enough… All of my deeper desires, came to light. I understood my deeper WHY and my bigger purpose. All of the doubts I had in myself were lifted, thanks to the feedback & support of these men. I started to take rapid & massive action in my life, relationships, and entrepreneurial journey. I started playing to win, again. And I’ll never be the same because of it.
Some of you are probably reading this, thinking… that’s cool, Q…
But what about MY why. How do I discover what I’m ACTUALLY meant to do here. And why I’m here. How do I find my place in the field? My alignment in the world? How do I STOP feeling empty?
Well… if you’ve followed me for long enough… then you’d know I’ve built a program & methodology to spark & activate that which already lives inside you. The visceral feeling of purpose, fulfillment, & passion. And we’ve got the tools & support for you to live it out. All you have to do is raise your hand. And walk through that door.
The only question is… are you “man enough” to lean in?
My inbox is open
Q